


Maybe This is My Heart and, Maybe This is Yours

by badjujuboo (miztrezboo)



Series: This One Time [7]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 14:57:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miztrezboo/pseuds/badjujuboo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Harry's birthday party and all Liam wants to do is hide in the bathroom and avoid his best friend and his best friends boyfriend that he also kissed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe This is My Heart and, Maybe This is Yours

**Friday**

Harry. 

He hadn't come home with Liam when he'd shown up at Ed's yesterday - knowing full well that's the only place Harry would have gone. He'd talked to Liam, if you could call talking nodding every so often when Liam had tried to start a conversation only to have Harry's monosyllabic answers shut it down. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair of Harry to be annoyed at Liam. Not when _he_ was the one who told them to kiss from the start. Harry'd practically begged to play spin the bottle and Liam was drunk but not _that_ drunk and had only given in to shut Harry up. He felt for sure he could spin the bottle properly. That he could get it to land on Haz or get Harry to go first and maybe he'd land on Louis and they start snogging and Liam could go to bed and forget about missing the chance to lay one on Louis with permission of all things.

Because it was that - right? Harry being the one to push them to play and Harry shoving the bottle in Liam's hand and sitting back and smiling this smile that Liam wasn't sure of. That should have been a sign. Harry's face before Liam even put the bottle on the floor was one Liam could pin down - sort of expectant and sad and hopeful all at the same time and it was a mix of emotions that shouldn't have worked. 

And then the bottle spun toward Louis. Louis laughed and Harry laughed and Liam blushed because - yeah - it was Louis and Louis was his other best friend and Louis was fit but. Louis was Harry's boyfriend and Harry was _right there_ so it felt wrong. He'd tried to back out of it and Harry had been adament and Louis had just said, "just between mates, it won't be weird, Li!" 

But it was.

It was better than weird and worse all at the same time. It was this moment of forever - a bubble outside time where he leaned in and Louis licked over his bottom lip and blinked slow. Liam had to grip his jeans tight just so he wouldn't touch any part of Louis that he wasn't suposed to. Allowed to. Then lips touched and Louis was so _gentle_ and something. . . something slid into place and for a tiny moment Liam allowed a part of himself that he refused to recognise come to the surface and he _enjoyed_ it. He relished the press of Louis' nose at his cheek, the small puffs of breath when their lips slid from each other for the barest moment before a tilt of someones head made them align again. It was . . . amazing.

Amazing.

Then they'd broke apart and Liam couldn't move. He just saw Louis and his lips that were bright and his eyes even brighter and maybe it was his imagination, maybe he just wanted it _so much_ in that second, he thought he saw Louis wanting it, too. But it was wrong and then Louis breathed out and Liam breathed in and Harry did too and, oh. Right. Louis laughed and said something about "top technique, Payno," though his voice had this tremble in it and he left for the loo. Liam blinked and he couldn't, he couldn't even _look_ at Harry. He cleared his throat and picked up the bottle and the others that were lying around and took them to the kitchen where he proceeded to lose his mind. He gripped the sink hard and tried to reason with himself that it was nothing. A kiss between friends. Something they could laugh about in the morning.

It wasn't though.

There was no Harry when Liam woke up. 

There was no Louis, either.

Liam cleaned because it always helped him clear his head. He even went as far to scrub the bathroom from top to bottom because he'd already done the rest of the flat. Moreso, Harry hadn't appeared or answered any of Liam's texts and he didn't like to think about what that could have meant. He stripped his bed and put on fresh sheets and took the dirty ones to the laundromat and played Angry Birds on his phone so he wouldn't be tempted to see if Harry had answered back (but his phone would buzz the moment he got a call so it was best if it were in his hands). 

He didn't.

A day passed and no Harry. He called Zayn but he was so busy with Niall - which, _finally_ \- that he hadn't noticed if Lou was home. They hadn't left the bedroom for very long, aparently. It felt wrong. It all felt wrong and out of his control and Liam didn't _deal_ with things like this. He liked knowing what was going on and how to handle whatever situation he was in but this, this was uncharted waters and Liam wanted some way to steer everything back on course.

So he rang Harry. Finally gave in and called and there was no answer.

That's when he figured out of all the places in the area that Harry could be hiding at - it would be with Ed. When he got there he had no idea what he was going to say or ask or even yell at Harry about, but it didn't matter anyway. They'd got the first awkward hello's out of the way then Harry fell into his arms and they hugged in the doorway until Ed came and interrupted them and asked if Liam wanted to come in for a beer and a curry. They'd drunk and Ed shared out the curry between the three of them and conversation ebbed and flowed like it always did when the three of them were together (though Ed was really Harry's mate, they'd always all gotten along). Then Liam noted the time and he had to head home - classes in the morning and PT stuff with three clients in the afternoon - he asked if Harry was coming and Harry'd just shook his head. "Need some time," was all he'd said. 

Liam didn't push. He could _never_ push. Even if he didn't understand.

Ed had picked up their plates and they were alone and Liam opened his mouth to apologise, to try and figure out just what had gone on or gone wrong but Harry silenced him quick.

"Leave the other night, Li. Just. Leave it. I'll come home soon," Harry'd stared at the floor - the one place he'd kept constant eye contact with since they'd all sat down. 

Liam hated it. Hated that he could see in the lavender smudges under Harry's eyes that he hadn't been sleeping well. Could see from the way he kept fidgeting with his hair that there was something worrying him. Could tell with the way he crossed his legs under him on the sofa that he was trying hard not to run away from something. Someone.

Maybe two someones.

"Your birthday party is tomorrow. It's all sorted, but I can call around, we can do something quiet or just," _not_ is what he didn't say but felt was implied enough. His stomach was still filled with knots about how much Harry wasn't saying so he stared at the TV screen, keeping Harry's reaction in the corner of his eye.

"I'll come."

Liam opened his mouth to ask if Harry was sure, that he didn't have to, that Liam really would call it all off if it made everything back to normal. If Harry would just _talk_ to him. He knew he needed to make right whatever it was he made wrong. But Harry said nothing more and eventually Liam said his goodbyes and went home. Alone.

Harry hadn't popped over during the day and Liam had setup on his own unti Zayn and Niall came along and they helped. They didn't mention anything about Louis and Liam didn't say anything about Harry. He felt sicker and sicker the more the night wore on and Harry's mates arrived in fits and starts until more people than Liam could count on two hands had asked exactly _when_ the birthday boy was going to show. Liam would fob them off with an offer of a drink or a bit of food or even a few times pretended he didn't hear which felt rude but he honestly didn't know.

Zayn found Liam in the bathroom in the middle of a potential breakdown at half nine and still no returned call from Harry. Just a text saying he would't be long. 

"You going to tell me what this is all about? The three of you have been off all week," Zayn asked, hands gentle on Liam's knees from where Liam was sat on the side of the bath and Zayn bent on the scruffy bathroom mat on the floor.

Liam shook his head, he couldn't possibly explain anything to Zayn without sounding mad. He couldn't explain anything to Zayn because he wasn't entirely sure about everything that had gone on himself. 

"I'd tell you if I knew. It's just so. . . it's fucked up," Liam had finally gotten out, his throat constricting around the words when he wanted to tell _someone_. Let someone else have the full story or the parts Liam knew of to see if they could sort it out because he could not. He didn't want anything from Louis - he couldn't do that to Harry. He'd accepted that Louis would keep any touchy feely things with Harry to a bare minimum when he was around but he'd never realised, never even let himself think that it was because Louis was protecting Liam's heart. Or maybe his own. They hadn't even kissed properly, no tongue or anything and not even for that long but Liam _felt_ something and he thought maybe Louis did, too. So he understood why Louis hadn't been back around but Harry? Harry had encouraged it and yeah, he'd kissed Harry before but they'd never shared a boyfriend or anything like it. And for Harry to push the kissing Louis thing it didn't make sense.

"Okay. But seriously, Liam, you need to calm down. You're making Niall antsy and I'd rather have him pinned to me tonight than bouncing around."

Liam had laughed and was about to rib Zayn about finally getting his act together with his long standing crush but there was a banging on the door and well - it was the only bathroom they had. They'd gone back out to the party and Harry had miraculously appeared while Liam had been gone. Louis was there too - in the kitchen beside the bench filled with an array of spirits and Liam gave him a smile because obviously, he and Harry must have arrived together, it was the only explanation for why they were both so late. He tried to catch up with Harry but he kept getting waylaid and then Louis kept catching his eye but never coming over and then there was cake and singing and the party wore itself out.

He'd somehow spent the entire night talking to _everyone_ but the birthday boy himself and it just felt. . . wrong.

He hadn't spoken to Louis either but that was partly his fault. He didn't know _what_ to say and if maybe he was making mountains out of mole hills and maybe it was all in his head what that kiss felt like. Then he'd remember that he couldn't think about anything more of what that kiss could or couldn't have been because Louis was his _best friends boyfriend_ and entertaining any such ideas was wrong. Against the code of all that was holy between best friends.

Best friends usually didn't cajole their other best friends into kissing their boyfriends either.

It was uncharted territory for them all and Liam found himself tidying up as the last guest left. Harry was on the floor with his records, putting them back in their slips and the weird order that he had them all in. Louis was sitting on the sofa, hands wrapped around a mug of tea that only Louis would be found with at the end of any night such as this. It was like stepping onto familiar grounds. Liam the one with slight OCD when it came to clearing up and Harry with his music and Louis finally, _finally_ being quiet.

Yet everything felt wrong. Fake. Like a calm before the storm.

Which was kind of apt, really, for what was to come.

Liam had been putting a bunch of bottles with floating cigarette stubs in them into a garbage bag when Louis finaly made a sound. It wasn't even a word, just this huff and it still had Liam jump, a bottle slipping from his grasp and crashing into its brothers in the dark of the bag below. Harry dropped a record and silence filled the room once more. He didn't look at Louis or Harry. Just went back on with clearing off the side table and was about to move onto the next when he heard the creak of the sofa which meant Louis had stood up.

"This is ridiculous," Louis said, his voice rough and loud apart from the deep sound of Jeff Buckley's Grace album that Harry had put on. The guitar rif opened into Last Goodbye and Liam steeled himself for what was to come. His stomach flipped and he felt itchy, jumpy even from all that had gone unsaid between the three of them. For the way he felt about Louis and how bad he felt for what had happened and why Harry would put Liam in that position and then run.

"Louis-" Liam started because he _had_ to say sorry about this. He had to get the apologies started because he couldn't be in this room any longer himself with all this tension that he could have cut with a bloody hacksaw it was so thick. 

Harry didn't say anything and when Liam actually looked up, Harry was still sat on the floor, eyes glittering and Liam hoped it was from the makeshift disco ball he'd hung in the room earlier. Not from anything else. He couldn't hurt Harry. Would do _anything_ not to. Except. . . well, what he'd already done.

"No, I have. I need to," Louis paced and then spun around to Liam, flush red and high on his cheeks and his eyes so blue and wide he looked almost like a wild animal, frightened and skittish and ready to run.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here and watch you clean and you sulk and just not _say_ anything. I love you both alright. I fucking love you both and it is tearing me apart and kissing you was the very best thing, Li, but I love Harry and I cant lose you, either of you, but I can't sit here and pretend everything is alright between all of us when its not. I love you both and. . . I guess thats all that I wanted to say."

And like that, Liam was knocked literally backwards because it was everything he wanted to hear down deep in his heart but not so because this wasn't about him. This was about his best friend and his best friend's boyfriend admitting he was in love with them both.

Louis fell back onto the sofa, curled himself up as small as could be, hiding his face behind his knees and Harry was silent and Liam could barely breathe.

Louis loved him and he loved Harry. He wanted them both but it was impossible, wasn't it? You couldn't have two perfect things in your life. It just didn't _work_ like that.

"How long?" Harry asked, his tone dull and flat. Lifeless. Cold.

"Forever. Now. Yesterday. I don't know," Louis' voice was small - unsure even, as he sat back on the sofa. Liam was still stood there with a bag in one hand and his eyes shifting from Harry to Louis and back again.

"Before you met me? Before we were a thing?" Harry hadn't looked up from where his thumb kept brushing over the cardboard sleeve of one of his Elvis Presley records that his dad had given him for his eighteenth. It was almost like a soothing action and from where Liam stood, heart pounding in his ears, he kind of wished he had something simliar to do himself. But he had the garbage and he felt like one move and they'd remember he was here and whatever was going to happen or was happening would stop.

Louis nodded and his arms slid down to curl more around his ankles, toes curling in over the seam of the sofa cushion. "Before. But not - I never really knew it until you came along. And you were - you _are_ everything, Harry. You are all I ever want and I can't imagine," he shaking his head and Liam couldn't even see Louis' eyes anymore. He'd dropped his head down so only the uneven mess of his caramel hair was visible; all fluffed up and feathery from where Liam had seen him run a hand through it most of the night. "You are everything to me, Harry. But I can't keep feeling like I'm cheating on you whenever I even think about, him. I love you so much and I don't understand how I can love you like that and yet still want him. How can I have room in my heart for more than one?"

"I don't know how I could have been blind for so long. I've watched you. Seen you pull back whenever Li is around and I thought it was just you being polite. Liam hasn't had what we have in so long and I thought you were making sure he never felt alone. You always invited him to things with us and I know you too are close, but. I never thought. Then I saw you the other night and I know it was wrong to make you kiss. I know it. But ever since, everything's just felt so wrong." Harry finished and he sounded just as hollow, just as hurt as Liam felt and he could see Louis felt the same with the set of his shoulders. 

"Do you want him?" Harry asked, after a minute had passed and all Liam could concentrate on was keeping quiet and breathing because if he didn't he'd stop and that wasn't going to end well.

"Yes," this tiny voice piped up and Liam felt a shiver run down his back, a tingle of something he wouldn't recognise pull in his gut.

"And you want me?"

"Yes."

More silence. A pregnant pause with all sorts of possibilities and the longer it drew out the more Liam's hurt and confusion turned to something worse. The conontations of what Harry had asked and Louis had answered turned sour in his stomach and he frowned, growing to hate how they'd just talked about between the both of them. As if they were the only ones involved in whatever this was.

"And what about me?" he finally asked, Louis and Harry's heads lifting fast, eyes wide like the actually _didn't_ realise he was still there. Had been there all along. "Do I get a say in any of this? Because I understand a lot of what this is is between both of you but I kissed Louis just as much as he kissed me and I could have told you no, Harry, but I went along with it. I could have got up and walked away and I didn't. I'm part of this, whatever this is and I hate what it's done to us, to all of us and I want it to stop."

Liam swallowed hard and blinked even harder because his eyes stung. But he wasn't finished. If now was the time to tell truths then he wasn't going to have Louis be the only one.

"I wanted Louis, too. I wanted him from the moment we met but we were mates and everything at Uni was so new and I went home that weekend you two met to get myself sorted and when I got back you were together and I made do. I saw how Harry looked at you and I _know_ , Harry. I know how easy you fall in love and you fall deep. But it was different this time. _You_ were different. So I packed up what I thought were possibilities with Louis because you're my best friend, Harry. My _best friend_. And I can't do this. I can't be the thing that drives you both apart."

He finished completely out of breath, voice breaking over the last word as he bowed his head and stared at a mark that looked like the lipstick Perrie had been wearing but maybe it was a squashed berry from Harry's cake. It was easier to stare at that then see their reactions. It was easier to stare at that and ignore his heart.

"You have these moles on the back of your neck that kind of look like a star," Harry began and Liam didn't look up. Didn't want to know who Harry was talking about. "Not a proper one or anything - one's a little too far out but the general shape, yeah. I used to trace it when you fell asleep before me. Would stare at it for hours that one year we were in the same class and Mrs. Thompson made us sit apart? I'd get so carried away looking at it, seeing if i could see anymore that I'd get in trouble all the time for not paying attention. You'd turn around and roll your eyes the moment she'd gone back to the board and I'd have to try not to laugh. It's why I got this," Harry said, lifting up his left arm to reveal the solid black lines of the star tattoo he'd made Liam come with him to get when he was seventeen and Harry'd found someone that would do it without asking his age or wanting a note from his mum. It was Liam's favourite of all Harry's permanent marks and he never really had a reason why - just thought it was because the two of them went. A reminder of how close they were, and hopefully would be for years to come.

"I never told you what a gigantic crush I had on you in our last year of college. You'd broken up with Tom and I'd finished with Caz to concentrate on studying and I figured it was just because we were spending so much time together. That it was something all friends ended up feeling. So I shook it off. And it got better. I got better maybe," He laughed - but nothing about this was funny and his smile soon dropped. "Maybe I got better at pretending that I didn't like you like that. Maybe I considered our friendship too strong. Maybe I was trying to get you out of my head after stupidly thinking living with you wouldn't make it a problem, so I went out on the pull when you went back home for a weekend. Maybe I met this boy that was nearly all your opposites - light eyes when yours were dark, small in ways that you were large, loud where you were quiet. Maybe I fell in love with him and maybe I forgot about all that I wanted with you because I'd found it with someone else. Someone I couldn't picture living my life without."

"I don't want to lose you," Louis said and Liam looked up, saw how red Louis' eyes were from where he was resting his chin on his knees, face not hidden any longer. 

Harry smiled but it was sad, trembling at the corners, "How can you lose something you haven't lost?" Then he turned to Liam, and Liam was shaking because of everything that had been said. All the things that were so twisted and intertwined that he couldn't imagine a happy ending coming from. "You're my best friend, Liam, and I've loved you my whole life and I can't even think about that being wrong."

Liam swallowed hard and dropped the garbage bag to the ground, slowly making his way over to where Harry had his hand out, fingertips beckoning him forward. He could see Louis uncurling on the sofa, Harry's other hand stretched in his direction, calling him on. Liam stopped just shy of Harry. Watched as Louis crawled across the carpet, sitting back on his heels at the same distance Liam was.

"So you love me, and I love you, and Liam loves me, and you, and you love him, and me. I don't see how this can work, Harry. I can't see how we can fix this at all," Louis said and Harry smiled, tears on his cheeks.

"Lou is right, Haz. Someone's going to get hurt here. This isn't some movie or made for TV program where everyone gets to be happy. It's not." Liam fell to his knees then because everyone else was on the ground and he felt worse being so far apart. Someone was leaving this room hurt tonight and he had a feeling it would be him. Couldn't see an ending that didn't have him losing everyone.

"Why? Why can't it be? Why do we have to be Liam and Louis, or Louis and Harry, or Harry and Liam? Why can't we just be us?" Harry said slowly, looking between the two of them like he already knew something. And Liam couldn't yet figure out what that was.

"Us?" he said and Louis nodded, finally looking at Liam like he'd avoided since they'd began this whole conversation. There was so much confusion behind his blue eyes, confusion and hurt and something else that Liam wanted to call love but couldn't. Not yet.

"You want the three of us to be, together?" Louis asked, looking back at Harry then Liam in quick succession. It was as if he was figuring something out, something that Liam wasn't quite ont he same page with yet.

"Yes," Harry said, nodding. "I couldn't stop thinking about everything last night. I stayed away most of today just trying to figure out how not to hurt either of you because it did hurt watching you kiss, seeing you both so open with each other but I think the part that hurt the most was that I didn't care all that much. Yes it was painful seeing how much you wanted each other and how much you'd been keeping that hidden away but, it was because of that that made it worse. I didn't care about you kissing, only that you didn't get to do it enough."

Liam shook his head, tucking his curls behind his ears as he sat down properly, crossing his legs and tried to sort it all out. "You want us to have a three way or something, Haz? Because it isn't just about sex for me. I can't just fuck you both and be done. I can't."

Harry slid forward then so his hand settled light on Liam's knee but it felt like the heaviest weight, he could feel the simple touch spread energy through his entire side like a lightening bolt. "No, no that's not. I don't want it to be a quick shag, Li. I don't think that's what any of us want."

Louis nodded, looking at Liam like he'd solved this particular puzzle, shuffling in a little so he could rest his hand on Liam's shoulder, light - like he wasn't sure he was allowed to. "No, not that. I mean yes, that would be great and maybe eventually but, no,"

Harry smiled, all lopsided because he was biting at the corner of his lip, his eyes meeing Louis' as he reached out with his free hand, linking with Louis who immediately softened whe they did. "It's not. It's. . . you know how I'm always banging on about the way the world sees people - gay or straight or bisexual or whatever label society is always set on putting everyone into a little box, I hate that, you know I do. So why does it have to be different for us? Who says you can only love one person at one time? Who made that rule?"

"I would say something about the church here but I'm not feeling it's the time," Louis but in quietly and Liam laughed, this tiny weight taken from his chest as Harry joined in and Louis' own chuckle seemlessly intertwined. It felt good. Felt right to have both of these boys he couldn't imagine his life without making each other laugh. It felt good having both their hands on him, being grounded by those he loved most, liked best.

But would it actually be enough?

"So the three of us," Liam said, more a statement than a question because he could see it in Harry's eyes how serious he was. He could feel it in Louis touch, his hand sliding down Liam's arm to tug at where he still had one hand stuffed in the pocket of his hoodie he'd put on earlier. Something was lulling the frenzy of feelings he had before. Something was settling inside that made everything that was out of place, jagged, slip and slide and become one. 

When Louis' fingertips shifted into the spaces Liam's left behind, he realised what it was.

"Us," Harry said, smiling so wide that it looked like it hurt.

"Us," Louis echoed, sniffing a little as he blinked at the wetness Liam could see in his eyes.

"Us." Liam finished. Like it should have been, all along.


End file.
